#Caturday
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?