I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams