Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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Duolingo getting serious.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My dad teaching me to drive
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Help Wanted
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan