007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser