[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why