Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents