Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You Might Also Like
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no