[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen