I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”