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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
SPLOOT
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
War & Peace
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.