BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever