My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock