Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers