[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You Might Also Like
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.