spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards