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I’d rather go liquor treating.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*