An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
No, I don’t think I will.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…