[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: