My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Realize this:
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.