Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Actually cracking up @ this
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands