Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’