My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
War & Peace
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
For the orator and chef in all of us