[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth