am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
this is the news I live for
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
He a real one for that
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.