I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
#NoRestForTheWicked
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys