Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
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My life in a nutshell
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time