*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
road rage
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.