In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Ron is short for Aaronald
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.