Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?