I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
me, too, girl. me, too.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?