Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*cough*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.