I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.