Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
58.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.