“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
that lip filler tho
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Bed should get ready for ME
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT