went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl