may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Flowers bee like
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
How do dragons blow out candles?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye