Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
He-man has a Masters degree
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
#Caturday
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife