8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
This could be us but you eatin’
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day