God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You Might Also Like
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
brian had himself a morning…
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.