You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
They did not think through this water fountain
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not