1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Attacked by a mop.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder