My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.