It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
omg leave her alone
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.