JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
That’s enough internet for the day
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.