how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.