Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You Might Also Like
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The photographer’s assistant
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Natural selection at its finest
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now