Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My work here is done
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.