My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.