Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced