I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer